Oh really?

I have never "Blogged" before. What I really need is a therapist but our insurance is going away along with my husbands job. It has been a year of surprises & disappointments.  Pain has been a constant but that is a blog for another day. My greatest accomplishment is my children and they bring me so much happiness sometimes i feel as though I could explode from pride and joy.  Sounds corny but as any parent will attest-it is the truth. I have so much to get out I think I will have to break it up into small chapters.  I am not a writer. But write I will in the hopes of finding peace.  I am not depressed although I have so much crap going on I would be entitled to it.  I am a happy person by nature. My cup is usually at least half full.  But lately I am re-evaluating so many things in my life I feel like it is teetering on the half empty side and its scaring me.  The latest surprise is the lost of my husbands job a week before Christmas.  As it is my business is not doing well due to the economy.  We owe alot and the IRS is not happy with my husbands office skills or lack there-of. We will call that disappointment 1.  When the one person you count on lets you down repeatedly it just chips away at you day by day.  I wish so badly I could just know that he would make the effort to make it all ok.  He is just not capable of that. You would think after 14 years of marriage I would realize that.  I just keep hanging on to the hope he will step up one day.   I have friends, great friends that would help with just about anything if I asked but this is not their problem and I wouldn't unload it on them. They help by listening and that is worth its weight in gold.  It seems like men in our age group are losing it big time. All around me marriages are falling apart at an alarming rate-strong women who hold their families so dear and the men can walk away like they never existed. It is so cowardly.  What happened to a man taking control and wanting to make his woman proud?  Maybe the strength we have attained over the years has sucked it out of the men that can't keep up. They say we nag.  We wouldn't have to if they did their part.  One of my biggest unanswered questions is "Who reminds me?"  Every day I get up, do what needs to be done-I don't have the luxury of pleading ignorance-of needing to be reminded cause i couldn't remember to take out the trash.  And before you get all up in arms, its not literally about the trash.  Its all of it.  Its the selfishness of pleading ignorance because your lazy or you just don't care.  And there will be those that say "Well you can't change the man."  Ok I agree but what about the responsibility of life and growing as a person?  About just taking on more because it makes you a better person and it gives something back to the world, never mind your own family. I feel like I am living with a stranger-like i don't even know this man and yet we sleep in the same bed.  And the worst part is-is that I am not sure i want to know him anymore.  I feel a tad better. Time for bed.  I will sleep and escape into the fantasy of my dreams.  Mmmmm-I hear tuscany calling...